on · my · tip · toes

You know how this works, bold the places you've been and post.

1. Times Square, New York City, NY: 35 million visitors every year
2. National Mall & Memorial Parks, Washington, D.C. (Washington Monument, Lincoln and Jefferson Memorials, the war memorials): About 25 million
3. Disney World’s Magic Kingdom, Lake Buena Vista, Fla.: 16.6 million
4. Trafalgar Square, London, England: 15 million
5. Disneyland Park, Anaheim, Calif.: 14.7 million
6. Niagara Falls, Ontario and New York: 14 million
7. Fisherman’s Wharf/Golden Gate National Recreation Area, San Francisco, Calif.: 13 million
8. Tokyo Disneyland/DisneySea, Tokyo, Japan: 12.9 million
9. Notre Dame de Paris, Paris, France: 12 million
10. Disneyland Paris, Marne-La-Vallee, France: 10.6 million
11. The Great Wall of China, Badaling area, China: About 10 million
12. The Great Smoky Mountain National Park, Tennessee/North Carolina: 9.2 million
13. Universal Studios Japan, Osaka, Japan: 8.5 million
14. Basilique du Sacré-Coeur de Montmartre, Paris, France: 8 million
15. Musée du Louvre, Paris, France: 7.5 million
16. Everland (amusement park), Kyonggi-Do, South Korea: 7.5 million
17. The Forbidden City/Tiananmen Square, Beijing, China: At least 7 million
18. Eiffel Tower, Paris, France: 6.7 million
19. Universal Studios/Islands of Adventure at Universal Orlando, Fla: 6 million
20. Sea World Florida, Orlando, Fla: 5,740,000
21. Pleasure Beach (amusement park), Blackpool, England: 5.7 million
22. Lotte World (amusement park), Seoul, South Korea: 5.5 million (just b/c it has my name)
23. Yokohama Hakkeijima Sea Paradise, Japan: 5.4 million
24. Hong Kong Disneyland, China: 5.2 million
25. Centre Pompidou, Paris, France: 5.1 million
26. Tate Modern, London, England: 4.9 million
27. British Museum, London, England: 4.8 million
28. Universal Studios Los Angeles, Calif.: 4.7 million
29. National Gallery, London, England: 4.6 million
30. Metropolitan Museum, New York, NY: 4.5 million
31. Grand Canyon, Ariz.: 4.4 million
32. Tivoli Gardens (amusement park), Copenhagen, Denmark: 4.4 million
33. Ocean Park (amusement park), Hong Kong, China: 4.38 million
34. Busch Gardens (amusement park), Tampa Bay, Fla.: 4.36 million
35. Sea World California, San Diego, Calif.: 4.26 million
36. Statue of Liberty, New York, NY: 4.24 million
37. The Vatican and its museums, Rome, Italy: 4.2 million
38. Sydney Opera House, Sydney, Australia: More than 4 million
39. The Coliseum, Rome, Italy: 4 million
40. American Museum of Natural History, New York, NY: 4 million
41. Grauman’s Chinese Theater, Hollywood, Calif.: 4 million
42. Empire State Building, New York, NY: 4 million
43. Natural History Museum, London, England: 3.7 million
44. The London Eye, London, England: 3.5 million
45. Palace of Versailles, France: 3.45 million
46. Yosemite National Park, Calif.: 3.44 million
47. Pyramids of Giza, Egypt: 3 million
48. Pompeii, Italy: 2.5 million
49. Hermitage Museum, St. Petersburg, Russia: 2.5 million
50. Taj Mahal, Agra, India: 2.4 million

Hmmm... Not sure I like that these are the most popular tourist attractions.

It's 7:00 in the morning, I'm awake and my parents are not. I'm awake because Sky emits more heat than anyone I know, and my bed was so thought I had a fever or something. I don't. So, good.
What I like about being with my parents is their quiet companionship. The way they read together, looking up sometimes for a brief conversation that neither of them is annoyed about, despite the interruption, and then casually melting back into the pages of their books, the conversation half finished, sipping tea (I've had sooo much tea this week) and eating fat free cookies.
Yesterday they took me to the Bata Shoe Museum, which was torture for my Dad, who spent most of the time sitting on benches and staring into space as Mom and I read every single plaque and panel and admired the shoes together. I like small museums because then you can read everything and really have a sense for what they have to offer. My favorite exhibit showed shoes from around the world and commented on how they were suited for particular cultures - it ended with shoes fit for particular occupations like dancing or cracking nuts with your feet (no kidding). There were shoes with the backs glued down to make it easy for Musilms to remove their shoes for prayer, there were Chinese shoes for women with bound feet and for children, that had tiger faces on them so the children would grow up to be strong. It was totally fun and I really enjoyed it. Dad was a total skeptic, and his favorite was a rediculous movie about famous people and the shoes they wore. "These boots belonged to Winston Churchill." followed by a brief biography of the person. OK so that part was entirely stupid and Mom Dad and I were trying to keep our voices down as we giggled and made silly comments to each other. I enjoyed the exhibit on 18th century shoes because I know something about 18th century fashion after my class last semester. It was fun.
I've been sick much of the break with a cold and Dad's getting one too so we've spent much of the time inside the apartment, playing board games, watching movies, reading. It's hard to compromise on movies because Dad and I are so particular. We watched Lost in Space, Dad loved it, I didn't mind it, Mom fell asleep and then got up to take the dog for a walk. You see my point.
The four days I spent with my grandparents were fun. Sometimes I think of them as comic, and that's how I get through the parts that I think Dad finds so painful, like Grandma's cooking (she baked Cheese Whiz and noodles and called it maccaroni and cheese), or the way they repeat everything they say many times. It was fun to spend so much time with them, to have a sense of what their lives are really like from day to day, to feel a part of their family in the every day sense as apposed to in the distant but much loved sense. Also nice to spend time with my cousin who is a senior in high school and a really fun person - We've always been closer than I've been to any other cousin. I remember going to his...must've been third...birthday party where Big Bird showed up and danced with us. Things sure change quickly.
Before that, I had a wonderful time with Daniel's family who are extremely generous and treat me as one of their own. I feel so comfortable with them - I was teaching Daniel how to foxtrot in the hotel room and his sister was watching and it felt perfectly normal like Rebecca watching as Grandpa taught me how to foxtrot years ago.
The week I spent by myself was glorious. I love the preschool. I love the structure of the day - going in, doing circle time, completing a craft, going to the park, coming in for lunch, getting rest time things in their spots, going outside, coming in for rest time, waking up, eating snack, doing freeplay. Every day. Perfect. And it was such an adventure waiting to be called in in the morning, not knowing when but knowing that i was going to get a call as everyone was getting sick and I was going to run to the trolley stop and tap my foot and wait for the trolley to get there and arrive at the preschool to a chorus of "Jessica! Jessica! Jessica!" from the kids who saw me through the window.
I had coffee with Vanessa Ochs one morning and she talked to me about what she does as a professor, the ins and outs of the everyday of her career, how it fit with having a family, what its positives and negatives are, how she chose it, etc. Maybe I will be a professor. I have a similar meeting upcoming with Rabbi Tom, so we'll see. How do people ever decide what they want to do with their lives? Right now I am thinking professor. Maybe that fits me best. But then it makes less money, and do I really have the ability to write books? To tell people that I'm an authority on something? I don't know...
Anyway, I'm going to shower and dress and cross my fingers that my parents wake up in time for synagogue - Dad said that he wants to go but doesn't want to use the alarm clock, so if he gets up in time, he'll go, and if not he won't. Cross your fingers for me.

11:55 pm and I am in my jammies alone in my room where I've been lesson planning for I guess a few hours but the time went by so fast that I didn't really notice at all - I guess I just really like this lesson planning stuff. It feels really good to be by myself - I feel like I'm getting a chance to be a little closer to me. Hard to restrain myself from being entirely gross when there's no one around though - I think I'll keep my dirty dishes on my desk until the morning. Anyway I'm liking this at least for the moment - may be totally desperate for company by the end of the week. Although so far I've had lots of it actually - ran into Dan on the way back from the gym, baked with Jill and Rachel, having lunch with them tomorrow after Sunday School. Totally exciting. I think already I'm feeling better about next year than I was before this weekend. Next year = living in a single, and no Daniel, to clarify what I mean by having been concerned. I've gotten so used to always being with at least one other person I wasn't sure I would be able to tolerate my own self anymore. I'm finding that I'm pretty tolerable, especially when occupied with a good book, or something good to watch, or something interesting to do. We'll see how it goes for the rest of the week.

SOUNDTRACK TO MY LIFE:
So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool and no disclaimers allowed.

My Life in Song:

Opening Credits: The Circle Game, Joni Mitchell

Waking Up: In the Arms of the Angels, Sarah McLaughlan

First Day At School: Think of Me, Rebecca Caine

Falling In Love: Pobre Diabla, Don Omar

Fight Song: No Man's Land, Billy Joel

Breaking Up: Hopelessly Devoted to You, Olivia Newton John

Prom: Kirkpatrick Fanfare - Goodnight Sweetheart, The Platters

Mental Breakdown: You're The Top, Cole Porter

Driving: I'll Be, Edwin McCain

Flashback: One Flight Down, Norah Jones

Getting back together: You Can Close Your Eyes, James Taylor

Wedding: Rain, Rain, Beautiful Rain, Ladysmith Black Mambazo

Birth of Child: Make Them Hear You, from Ragtime

Final Battle: Xiao Yue Er Gao, Wu Man

Death Scene: Lachrymosa, Motzart

Funeral Song: Red Ragtop, Tim McGraw

End Credits: But Not for Me, Chet Baker

This would be an interesting movie, to say the least. Some of them work - Lachrymosa for a death scene, You Can Close Your Eyes for getting back together, I like the opening credits and the breaking up, too. The rest doesn't make much sense. It would be a confused film - but then maybe life is confusing. Does this mean that my life is to include several battle scenes, among other things? How interesting. I hope I get to use water balloons.

I should be, and usually am, very happy. I have...everything I could possibly want. Friends, things to do, people who love me, people who need me, a safe place to live, food, a job, schoolwork that I love. I stay up late at night reading, feel miserable, and then have to remind myself that after all I love reading, and I should be glad to do it, even at 2:30 am. On my way to preschool I feel frustrated that I can't use that time to study, and then I get there and little children smile and say "Hi Jeshka" and run to give me a hug and it's hard to wish that away. Even Hillel, which I've in some ways come to dread because I don't feel like I'm doing anything for it anymore and I can't do anything more, having no time, even Hillel makes me happy much of the time, being with people who care about the same things as me, exerting leadership, working together, really helping other people to explore their identities, or at least trying to.
And sometimes I am sad.
Last night I came home from the movie for Hebrew, sat on Daniel's bed, and cried. There was a scene in a movie in which an estranged daughter and her mother gave each other a hug, and that made me cry. I don't see my parents really any less than I used to, but something about our very short conversations, and the alienness of everything that they talk about because it is in a place that I have never been makes me feel so isolated from them and makes me miss them the way I did the second time I went to girl scout camp, when I spent the whole week crying and staring at the letters Rebecca, Mom, and Dad had sent me. Doesn't help that I never talk to Rebecca because neither of us have the time. I have the time to call her, but I don't have the time to listen to everything she has to tell me. I want to be there for her but I can't be supportive until I can let go of my own time-bound restrictions and just say "no homework today, Rebecca is more important' but even if I were to say that she, who is grading papers, writing lesson plans, reading for class, cannot. Not that I really know what she is doing, as I never talk to her.
So that makes me sad. But I guess mostly I'm happy. I'm writing this entry while in my pajamas in a toasty warm bedroom at the start of a fresh new day where I will be able to learn and learn and learn, which is wonderful and was always my favorite thing, even if I sometimes have trouble remembering that. Ted's still here, thank goodness, providing me all the reminders of home and of my child-self that I suppose I really need, and Daniel's here too which makes all the difference.
O, my friends. Even though I see you rarely, can I begin to say how much it helps me just to know that you exist? Even when I haven't seen you in weeks, or have only seen you in passing, sometimes it is the mere idea of you, the knowledge that you are here somewhere, being wonderful as you always are, that keeps me going. I have never been so thankful in all my life as I am for you women with your heads held high even though sometimes tormented by sadness, fear, longing. You women with the bright smiles, who walked into my lives and will never walk out of it even if we never again have an extended conversation. Not that I think we won't, because of course we will. I love you and will always love you and somehow that will make everything work out in the end, I think.
College is hard. There's so much to do that there is little time to be a person. I miss down time and movies and chats and coffee with a friend. Do people do this? Can we? And if so, when? (I am free tonight after 6 so give me a call if you are, too. Even if you want to study together because you can't spare a moment, I'm definately up for that too)

It's been a long time since I've written, I know. It's been a long time for a lot of things. In these five or so minutes before I go down to meet Laura and study for our exam, I have a confession to make:
I miss a lot of things, and am not always happy.
I miss having free time to use for improptu runs to the grocery store with Annie to pick up caffiene, I miss female companionship, I miss being able to regularly attend social lunches and allowing myself to live off of them, week to week - I miss needing my friends.
Now, even if I was crying over something silly like the fragility of life, or "what if there isn't a G-d after all", thrown into fits by the universe like I sometimes was before, I wouldn't have time to be swept away to a gas station in the middle of no where to eat ice cream and feel adventurous and healed.
That isn't to say that I can't be healed. I cry because I miss my parents, miss my home, and Daniel holds me, or if I don't want to be held, he sits with me and witnesses. Or if I don't want that either, he finds some way to distract me. But generally there isn't enough time to get upset, and so the healing is hard to come by.
Which is why I miss crying in Newcomb with Jill and Laura Eve. I miss girl talk and giggles. I miss feminine ethos and pathos. I miss poetry and crayons, and cooking together.
I love everything that I do. But I loved the things that I used to do. I don't do them any more because they were so easy to let go of - there was no regular schedule to them, and it felt more important to be a good teacher, member of the Jewish community, girlfriend, singer, than it did to be a friend. Not that I ever actually made that decision, but things fell into place that way.
And I miss you, all of you.
I wonder, with a little effort, if I could regain it all while keeping the children that I love, the organizations and events that I love. For instance, if I weren't studying last night, could I have had a late night romp at the lake with face paint and colored scarves and two nymphs to guide me to wholeness and happiness? Probably. Maybe all I have to do is ask.

Tonight was wonderful - Thomas and Andrew are wonderful and I love them both so much. Thomas pulled out the dinosaurs that he never plays with anymore, to play with them one last time with me. Andrew raced me around the house three times. We read, watched movies, played hide and seek, baked brownies, played golf, etc. It was entirely fun.
Until I said goodnight.
Andrew was the first to break down. I said goodnight and goodbye, and then as I closed the door, he said, "Wait! Something's wrong. Something's tricky." I said, "What's wrong, Andrew?" and he kept coming up with excuses not to go to sleep. He's thirsty. I bring him water. He has to go to the bathroom. I let him go. He wants the light on. I turn it on. He wants his bedtime music on. I turn that on too. Finally, when he can't think of anything more, he simply says, "You can't go yet." I say, "Why not?" and he says, "You can't go. I like you." "I like you too, Andrew." "I want to visit you". "I hope you do, someday." "You have to come back, I like you." I start to close the door and he jumps out of bed and hugs me, starts to cry, and says, "I love you. You can't go." Finally, I get him to bed, give him a kiss, and tell him I love him too. When I check on him later, he's asleep with his arms around the book I bought him.
Thomas was next. He acted all cool all evening, and we said goodnight as usual. A few minutes later I went back to check on him, and he was crying in his bed. I gave him another hug, and he said that he couldn't believe this was the end. "It's a sad story", he said. "I can't believe I'll never see you again." We promised we'd write.
Even parting from their parents was hard. They both hugged me and told me how important I'd been to them, "like part of our family".
I received three cards today. Andrew's says 'Thank you so much for being my 'friend-babysitter' all these years! Thank you for playing 'cars-candyland'. I love you!" Thomas's says "Thanks for the wonderful time we have had over the years. Now, sadly, it comes to an end. It has been unbelievable with the support you have given both Andrew and me for these four years. There's just no other way to put it. Also, you were morth tha just a babysitter. You were a friend. PS: Letter or E-mail us, and we'll rewrite you" He included a picture of one of our dinosaur inside jokes. Their parents gave me a far too generous gift and wrote "Thank you so much for all you've done for us. You've been a super role model for our boys and we've always had complete confidence in you. Thomas and Andrew will alwys remember you. You've been like a part of our family. We wish you the very best for your future and firmly believe you'll be successful and happy." Once I got home, I couldn't stop crying. I am going to miss that family so so so so so much.
What an emotional evening.
Incidentally, I brought my camera, and when Thomas took a picture of me with it, he commented "Oh, it's a film camera! I've seen one of these once before!" I felt very old.
OK, it's late, and if I can just stop crying, I think I'll go to sleep now. Goodnight everyone.

Hi everyone.

It's been a while, I think. I lost track.
I have one more week left of work, which is good. It's starting to get old. My office is always freezing and the hallway outside is stuffy and hot. The metro gets slower and slower because of the heat - it took me an hour and fifteen minutes to get in on the metro yesterday, which is really rediculous.
I'm not going to services today - I thought about it and decided that I just want to stay in my pajamas all day. Is that bad of me?
So instead, I'm going to pack. I need to do a lot of packing so that I can be ready to go to school and leave this house forever, in one fall blow. By the way, I'd always thought that the phrase was 'one foul blow' but mom corrected me the other day.
Last night we had a birthday party for my dad, which was really nice. All four of us, and sky, and a balloon and cake and presents. I wonder if we'll ever do that again.
Work is going well. I've written tons of summaries, made friends with a bunch of older professorly-types that I like a lot and might justt keep in touch with after the fact, written a lesson plan that will be posted online once it goes through review, written letters that I signed my name to and sent to big important people, and learned a lot. I think I know much better how to organize big events, and certainly I've learned about grants, and about public schools and teaching, and teachers. And summarizing. And I feel like my big project this summer must have been important because my mentor told me that when I leave she's going to finish it (I'm not going to be able to finish it before Friday), so it must matter to her that it gets done. I'm glad that I've actually been of use this summer. That seems important.
I also really like a few of the interns. Probably I won't keep in touch with them because I am unbelievably bad at keeping in touch, but it was nice to make a few new friends this summer.
It was very nice to have Rebecca home this week - she's leaving this afternoon. I've always taken for granted the simple things that I love (haha, what a terrible beginning to a sentence!) like sitting in the car with Dad in the driver's seat, mom next to him, and the two of us in the backseat, playing (we were doing crosswords in the backseat yesterday). I think for me that's one of the symbols of us as a stable, loving family unit. All of us in our places.
Which is seeming less and less likely in the future, as we donate away all of our costumes, our doll clothes, our barbies, and declare ourselves to be grown up. At work I feel like I could be in my thirties - I work just as hard as all of the people who actually work there, and am pretty good at it. But here, with Ted, with my dolls and crayons, and jump ropes, I remember that I've never wanted to grow up. And I wish I never had.
But it also scares and pains me that I'm so much less sorry than I used to be to have grown up. I think this must be the last, sweepingly awful stage of growing up - when you recognize that you are glad not to be a kid anymore. Soon I'll forget what it felt like to be a kid. I won't be able to think like one, play like one. I'll become a boring babysitter. I won't laugh at the things I used to, I won't be able to stand watching cartoons or reading picture books. I'll become boring and unhappy. I guess that was always my perception of grown ups, even though I was surrounded by interesting happy adults.
For instance, at the community pool, the grown ups would sit in the lounge chairs and talk, and the kids would play in the pool. The grown ups missed all of the fun to sit out and watch! But maybe they were having fun, too? Because if I'm not going to be swimming, I'd at least still like to be smiling.
We gain a lot by growing up. New friends, perspectives, knowledge, abilities, opportunities, experiences. I only hope we aren't giving up too much in return.
Not that I can stop it.
Anyway, even though, theoretically, the idea of growing up horrifies me, in actuality I'm growing OK with it. Which scares me a little, but maybe it's a good thing? Maybe if I become happy with the idea of not being a kid anymore, it will be easier to find adult happiness.
This is not where I meant this entry to go. Of course. I wanted to tell you about all sorts of silly things - my day with David last Saturday, my dream last night, that this is my six month anniversary with Daniel... all sorts of things. And I told you things you already know. I'm sorry.

I went in to work this morning and had left by 11:30, feeling a little not-too-good. Spent the day sleeping in my bed, and I feel so much better. And so comfortable. And so relieved not to have spent the day in my half of the cubicle reading and summarizing files. I am ready for the internship to end. I've learned a lot, but 8 weeks is plenty and 10 is maybe too much. That being said, the rest of this week and the next two weeks do have some interesting things in store - I'm going to some big official sounding meetings and I'm going to listen to people evaluate projects in film, music, literature, history, etc. which should be fun to watch. I guess. I'd rather be the person on the other side of the grant, asking to do something, rather than overseeing and reading about what other people are doing. I guess NEH is kind of like living life from the sidelines. Visiting what other people are doing.
Although on Monday I visited an amazing thing - a month-long institute for high school english teachers to study at the Folger Shakespeare Library, handling original documents, listening to lectures by well known scholars, and participating in acting and reading workshops. Amazing. I had so much fun, I loved the English teachers all, and was kind of inspired to be one, although probably I won't be. Moreover, I was inspired that the government gives money for this kind of program, which I think is so important. All of these teachers were soooo excited about and knowledgeable about Shakespeare by the time we got there, the beginning of the last week of the program. How valuable that must be for their students! For years, affecting so many people! My English teacher senior year had taken a course on Joyce years ago and his enthusiasm for the subject really pushed our class in ways I think he otherwise never could have pushed us - he wasn't, honestly, a very good teacher, but when he did Joyce it was wonderful. Teaching teachers is so important. So, I'm glad NEH exists, I just don't necessarily want to be there anymore. Which I guess is good, since there's only 2 1/2 weeks left. Can't wait to wear casual clothing, study what I want to, have a flexible schedule, and feel like all parts of my life are full and fulfilling.
Sunday night Rebecca comes home for a few days, Monday Dad leaves for Toronto. So we all get one night together before we separate again for who knows how long. Thanksgiving? Winter break? Maybe not even then. I guess it's better not to speculate but to take things as they come. I hope Sunday night is magical. Mom is planning a barbecue dinner, family board games, perusing old photo albums. Sounds perfect.

Hello everyone,

I've totally been ignoring, even forgetting about livejournal. I read everything since my last post today - and I apoligize for not replying to all of your wonderful posts. Nanda, you are amazing and I have such admiration for all of the wonderful and important activities with which you are engaged. Annie, I am so excited for your New Orleans and Salem possibilities, goals, etc. I am so excited for you. Laura, I send you my deepest condolences. I would like to talk to you as soon as your free - actually, I'd like to talk to all of you as soon as you are free - so let me know what is the best phone number at which to contact you and when is good, and then expect a call!
All of you others, I've been reading, too. Phill, I'm excited for your post-college life - I know it's overwhelming, but it's also a great beginning of the rest of your life, as is, I suppose, everything. But this seems pretty momentus, and I wish you the best. Daniel... well, I don't really feel out of touch with you. Cheryl, I miss you! Laura Eve, I miss you, too, as you must know. And everyone else, keep writing. I'm reading, I promise. Just not in a particularly timely fashion.
What have I been doing, rather than post in livejournal?
Well...
I've been cleaning the house. Over and over again. Every day. Hopefully it'll be sold soon, and I can stop having to leave my room every morning as if some angel child lives here and not messy ol' me.
I've been interning. Reading, summarizing, writing letters, attending meetings, trying not to be annoyed by my chatty cubicle-mate, making friends with the other interns, sitting in the cubicle, walking to the Reagan Center for lunch, getting to know my mentor and the other people in my office.
I've been spending a lot of time with my parents. Mornings in the car with my Dad, dinner with my parents every evening, often crossword puzzles or television watching with them in the evening. Running with my Dad in the morning, when my shin splints aren't bothering me, is also fun.
I've been babysitting and will babysit at least another three times this summer. Also I have plans to meet up with various high school friends to see them at least one more time...ever. Well, maybe that's too dramatic. Probably it is. But we are moving, after all, and seeing them will be difficult at best after this summer. I feel pretty OK about it though - I don't see them very often as it is. And of course I'll still have all of you.
I've been reading a lot, on the metro and otherwise. Playing guitar, at least for a few minutes in a row until mom tells me to put everything away because someone is coming to look at the house.
And I spend a substatial portion of my non-working/non-sleeping hours talking to Daniel on the phone, which is always wonderful. Somehow I have a lot more to say than I ever think that I will.
And I've been Hillel-ing, a little. Probably I should be thinking about it more often, but then, well, I guess, maybe I'm allowed to kind of take it easy for the summer.
So I guess that's absolutely everything. Here I am, knitting and reading live journal entries, and loving all of you. Which won't change, summer or not, moving or not, etc.
So, hello from my neck of the woods to yours, and Ted sends his greetings as well, of course. (for those who don't know - and how can you not? - Ted is my long-time friend and teddy bear)

It was a wonderful few days - an evening with Nicole and Jill followed by a fabulous and relaxing morning at home, a lovely drive down to Roanoke with perfect company, friends, fun, laughter, beautiful food, beautiful people, and beautiful smiles with Annie, Nanda, and Laura, who never fail to take my breath away by their absolute wonderfulness, and then a swim, some movies, a trip to the star and other wonderfulness with Daniel, who I'd missed even more than I realized, and then a lunch with Laura Eve, Daniel, and Daniel, dinner and chatting with Mom, a movie with Daniel, a trip to DC with Daniel, during which we ran into Rachel Gross and her father on the metro and chatted with them, and because the metro was unbearably packed a long walk to work, which was closed due to flooding, and so a few hours in starbucks inside of barnes and noble chatting, and then some time in a coffee shop near my house playing chess, then Trivial pursuit at home, and dinner with Mommy, and movies, and then since work is closed for the rest of the week, I spent the day with Daniel today, baking, talking, watching a movie, and out for a nice lunch, and after he left I read, played guitar, had a heart to heart with my mother, and watched Little House on the Prairie and the beginning of Pride and Prejudice. Tomorrow: running, cleaning/sorting, Hillel stuff. An unexpected but lovely mini vacation! I think I'll go to bed now, bright and early, and dream of the wonderful few days I've had, and all of the people that I love so much that I was able to share those days with. mmmmmmm...

Abbie slept over last night and is still asleep (I don't blame her - we were up until 3am chatting, eating popcorn, and watching movies). It was very nice, very comfortable and wonderful. I love that I still am friends with Abbie and know all about her life and can kind of slip into a self that doesn't need explaining or revealing in any way, but can safely and securely just be. It was a fun night, and I think we'd gone longer without seeing each other than ever before, except maybe when Abbie was a girl scout camp counselor one summer, or when we were in different summer governor's schools, so it was very nice to catch up.
Mom and Dad aren't home this weekend, so yesterday I did some room sorting (but not as much as I'd planned), reading, chores, and I went to the neighbor's graduation party, which I thought would be awkward boring and awful, but wasn't because a lot of other neighbors whose kids I used to babysit were there and were all asking me a million questions about my life. It was scary really how much they already know - Mom talks a lot at Bunco, I guess, because they knew even silly things like that the other day I was sorting through my stuffed animals and I didn't donate as many as Mom hoped I would. Oh well, so it was a surprisingly good time. Also yesterday morning I went to the Minyan Makers service, which is almost Hillel-like - small, we all sit in a circle and sing reform tunes over and over and smile at each other a lot and use a service booklet developed specifically for this group. There's a little Torah study in the middle of it, which is nice, and at the end everyone stand in a circle with their arms around each other and sways back and forth and sings. In a way it was totally magical because it was people of all ages coming together with so much love and enthusiasm, and in a way it was less than magical, because I didn't know any of them. It makes me appreciate the value of having a community in which to pray - prayer is so much more effective for me, I think, when I am surrounded by people I love. That's why Hillel can be such a powerful experience for me, I guess.
Work is going well. Sometimes I hate it - I'm in a cubicle all day with someone I get along with very well but find a little irritating, I don't really move all day, sometimes I get a back ache from sitting at that chair at my computer or reading files and taking notes. But sometimes I really love it - I'm starting to get past the formal language of the grant proposals and reports and think instead about the projects they describe, and think critically about these projects, and all of the sudden it is becoming increasingly interesting. I think by the end of next week I'll have discovered that I like this a whole lot; and even may want to consider coming back to work at NEH as a real employee someday. Although probably I won't do that. But who knows, right? I think in any case it will be a very valuable experience, and I didn't necessarily think that going in to it, so I am quite pleased.
In the meantime, I'm going to clean clean clean today because the house goes on the market tomorrow. Tomorrow there's a coffee thing for birthright alums around the corner from where I work, so I may stop by after work, and on Tuesday Brian (my cubicle-mate) and I are going to an exhibit of photos of Freud's life at the Austrian Embassy after work. It'll be a fun week.

so this evening after a hot day we had a brief rain shower, at which point Rebecca told us to take off our shoes and dance in the driveway with her. Alanna, Rebecca, and I ran around barefoot outside for a while, I spun a flag, they danced, and then they played softball (sort of) and I jumped rope. This all took place over the course of about fifteen minutes while we were waiting for our dinner to warm up. And it was lovely.

OK, so this is how I'm feeling - a little overwhelmed. I was talking to dad today, and he told me that my job for the beginning of the summer will be to sort everything in my bedroom into four categories: things I'm bringing to school, things I'm throwing out, things I want put in storage for the next four years, and things I want Mom and Dad to put in my/the guest room in Toronto. Oh, with an additional possible category of things I can put in a box and have the Ichels bring down for me when they bring Frank his winter clothes.
What do I want that I don't mind not seeing for three years?
What do I not mind getting rid of?
I hate making these decisions that I know I'm going to regret, an dit sems lik such a feat thing. Last weekend they found out for sure that they were moving, and today they have painters giving estimates so they can fix up the house and start selling. It's becoming a reality waaay too fast for me. Not that I have any right to be upset - I am never here anyway. And I'm not upset, I just wish I had more time to process it. Oh well. It'll be fine. Daniel - I'm glad we are planning on going away - I only hope my parents will agree to it during crunch time for moving. I don't want to be here in a half-emptied house feeling miserable about it all when I have no reason to feel miserable. That is irresponsible depression, and I don't want any part in it.
In the meantime, it's going to be one heck of a summer, eh?
It'll all work out... sorry for complaining, I just needed to vent for a minute.

Jill's sleeping over here was lots of fun, and tonight Jill, Alanna, Rebecca and I are going to a 9-12 text study, rather than an all night one as originally planned (hooray!), which should be fun.

OK, hope all of you are well and happy!

I had thought that this week would be a lazy one, and that I would be able to tell you about all of my summer adventures thus far. But it is looking like this nothing week between my travels and my job will actually also be wild and crazy, so maybe I'll start there.

Today: running about four miles (already done), printing out and putting together my submissions for some writing contests that I know I won't win but will feel good about myseelf for having entered, reading, being lazy, etc.
Tonight: Jill is staying at my house - hooray!
Tomorrow: lazy stuff, like Hillel work, practicing guitar, etc.
Tomorrow night: all night Shavuot study at Olam Tikveh (Conservative synagogue) with Rebecca and her friend
Friday morning: 9:30 am Shavuot service at Conservative synagogue. No other plans until evening.
Friday evening: either Shabbat services with Rebecca, or buying lawn seats at Wolftrapp to see Pirates of Penzance while my parents usher.
Saturday: nothing planned.
Sunday: running in a race with my parents.
Monday: Work starts.

It's been wild - Rebecca graduating, moving in with her girlfriend, starting what she wants to be her lifetime career, and coming out to the family has really occupied the foreground of my thoughts, along with reading a terrific book (thanks for the reccomendation, Laura Eve), and... well then before this week there was a whole long vacation with Daniel that I didn't write about at all. I'm not feeling like I'm in a particularly writing oriented mood - I wrote a lot yesterday - so I'll tell you about it in list form.

Wednesday 5/17: Daniel and his friend drive here from Roanoke. We walk to a coffee shop together, and when we get out it is raining, so when my mom calls and offers that my Dad can pick us up, we take him up on the offer. We drop Daniel's friend of at her GMU dorm, eat a fabulous fancy meal that mom has prepared for us, Daniel plays ping pong with my father

Thursday: I make Daniel french toast for breakfast. We go into DC and go up the Washington Memorial, go to the American History Smithsonian and spend what is for Daniel a painstakingly long time looking at the Brown vs. The Board of Education exhibit, then go to the Natural History Smithsonian and look at the insects. We sit on the lawn chatting in the rain for a while, share an ice cream, and when the rain clears up, we go paddle boating on the tidal basin. We meet my parents in Gorgetown and they take us to a fancy Asian Fusian restaurant for dinner.

Friday: we drive to NYC, park, go for a walk to Colombia University and back, split a bagel, a slice of pizza, and a giant hamantaschen for dinner, and go to services at B'nai Jeshrun, a beautiful synagogue in the city, where chairs are set up in a circle around a number of leaders who sing the prayers and play instruments and encourage dancing and try to create a spiritual experience. We arrive at my grandparents' house late at night.

Saturday: we eat breakfast with my grandparents, and Daniel meets my Aunt Sara. We go into the city, park at a relatively inexpensive lot, and then try to figure out where our show is. In the mean time, we run into the 9th Avenue Food Festival, and Daniel buys me a candied apple. We find our show, located in Greenwich Village, and it doesn't start for a while, so Daniel gets lunch in a falaffel place and we explore a bit. We take a bunch of pictures of ourselves in front of the theatre, and then we go in and see "I Love You Because", a terrific musical of four actors with brilliant voices who sing about love troubles on a very intersting stage. We walk to the next show (a long walk), and once we find it we walk to a restaurant called the French Roast, where we have a French meal, which is very nice. We see Slava's Snowshow, a Russian clown show that is very interesting and moving in parts, and certainly unusual. We go for a walk back to the car, taking a detour to stop in the Strand, a giant used book store, where I buy three exciting books for two dollars. We buy New Yorkish desserts in a deli, walk through Times Square, and end up back at our car, arriving late at Grandma and Grandpa's house.

Sunday: We spend the day with Grandma and Grandpa. We have breakfast with them, then we go to see my Uncle Boris, visit with him for a while, return, and go to the movies. We see Keeping Up with the Steins, which my grandparents love and Daniel and I think is cute and tolerable. Grandma and Grandpa take us, Aunt Sara, Uncle Andy, and Gabriel out for dinner at the Edison Diner, where Daniel experiences New Jersey diners for the first time. We play cards with Gabriel, watch Funny Girl, and then go to sleep.

Monday: We eat breakfast with Grandma and Grandpa, and the go to Liberty State Park, and take the ferry to Ellis Island, where we spend the day touring. We see a play and a movie there, and look at lots of interesting exhibits. Unfortunatley we miss the ferry for the Statue of Liberty and return without having gone there. We go back to Grandma and Grandpa's house and Grandma makes us dinner. In the evening, Daniel and I play cards.

Tuesday: We spend the day at Six Flags, riding all kinds of roller coasters including the "Stuntman Freefall" which Daniel thinks is a little much. We have a lot of fun. We then go to the University of Delaware and have dinner on Main Street with Rebecca and a bunch of her opinionated politically minded friends. After dinner, we go to Alanna's apartment, where we spend the evening being silly with Alanna, and then go to sleep.

Wednesday: We go in to Philidelphia, wander around for a bit, and look at a historical Quaker meetinghouse. We have lunch and go to the African American museum, where we take our time looking at the artwork. We tour Independance hall, and then return to the University of Delaware, where we and Alanna have dinner with Rebecca and her roommate. Rebecca leaves to take her last final, and retrns to find us still in the restaurant. She joins us, and we talk for a while, and then Rebecca, Alanna, Daniel, and I go to Alanna's apartment, where we hang out for a little while, and sleep.

Thursday: we have brunch, Daniel leaves, Alanna, Rebecca, and I plant a tree, wander around a lot, I take them out to dinner, we go to a party and then sit in a pizza parlor and talk to a bunch of Rebecca's friends.

Friday: I go for a run, Rebecca and Alanna pack, mom and dad come, more packing, then dinner, then ice cream, I go to mom and dad's hotel room and sleep on the floor.

Saturday: Rebecca's graduation, followed by fancy dinner

Sunday: Rebecca's graduation party, with lots of family members present

Monday: Mom and dad go to New Jersey to make a shiva call, Rebecca comes along, I'm at home reading and writing

Yesterday: Reading, writing, home movies and Rebecca time.

OK, that's all folks. :)

I think I'll start from now and work my way backwards. After trying to do some pleasure reading and sort of falling asleep with the dog on my lap, I am now alone in my bedroom trying to find something interesting to do. It is Mother's Day, and so my mother is downstairs playing spider solitaire on the computer because she is addicted and figures she's allowed to do something like that on mother's day. Dad is reading. Sky is sleeping.
Earlier today we watched a movie, had a nice family (sans Rebecca) brunch, called Grandma, and Mom and I went on a long run, which was sort of fun and sort of frustrating because Mom runs very far, and very very slowly, neither of which are exactly what I'm used to. But it was nice, we were running slow enough that we could talk to each other a lot, so we had some good quality time.
Last night Sky slept in my bed - hooray!
Yesterday evening, Mom and Dad and I went grocery shopping at the yuppy food store that my parents love. We ate dinner at the ittle restaurant there, and then bought a of their favorite low-fat foods. In the fruit section Dad made faces at me from behind the apples, and I giggled like a five year old.
Yesterday Mom and Dad packed me up (with some help from Daniel) and brought me home. Before we left, we had lunch with Daniel which was really lovely.
I spent Tuesday evening - Saturday morning in Roanoke with Daniel's family. It was beautiful and fun and perfect. I had a chance to experience Daniel in his home setting and without all of the pressures that he is usually bogged down with, I spent some time with his family, all of whom are terrific, and I saw a lot of Roanoke, which is itself charming and lovely. I saw his schools, his synagogue, his favorite restaurant, etc. We even saw a movie together in a theater that was entirely empty except for the two of us, which was pretty exciting, and we baked challah with his mother, which was also terrific. The only thing we didn't do was see the star - so now I have incentive to go back and see it! (as if I didn't have incentive before...) It was a really amazing trip - I keep using all of these rather meaningless positive adjectives, but I guess that's because I'm tired and frustrated about the thought of updating live journal when I've gotten so behind. Besides, frequent as they are, the adjectives are accurate, so there you have it.
Umm... I could go further back, but I think I'll stop there.
Over the summer, I imagine I'll be updating Live Journal quite frequently, as I will be significantly less busy. So you can expect to be hearing from me again soon!

Much love.

Oh dear. Yesterday I just about exploded out of stress. I have no reason to be stressed, it's just one of those things. I can definately get everything done, but I have this achy feeling in my gut that says I can't, or at least not well, or that teases me and says, "na na na boo boo, you can't do anything well, stupid". Well too bad, gut, I'm going to get it all done, and well. And remain sane. And it will all be over soon. And it will be lovely as it is happening, sort of.
Right.
OK, off to shower and then Hebrew. I'm sorry I've been live journal negligent. I'll be better about it over the summer, for sure.

A quick before bed update:

This is just to say that staying up late isn't so bad if you have someone to stay up with, but I am very glad to be going to bed with most of one of my papers written...mmmmm....goodnight everyone and sweet dreams.

Good morning everyone!
I am so excited for Rebecca and Alanna coming to C-ville! They will be here on Friday afternoon (I'm trying to arrange a lunch date with you-all but I'm not sure how it will work) and will be leaving Sat. evening. :-D
This has been a long week insofar as I've done a lot of work and had not very much sleep. However, despite all of that, it has been a very nice week. I think next week will be the same way - lots of work, but very nice. I wish I could see more of the three of you though. I am running on an Annie, Nanda, Laura deficit. Let's plan a magical adventure for...Wednesday night? Are you free?
I have been thinking about classes for next semester. Right now it looks like:

Hebrew
Jewish history antiquity to 1500
Engl 383
some kind of early English class - not sure which
music theory
university singers????
and the possibility of one more class just because I can't contain myself. I want to take so much! AAS 101 would allow me to have an AAS minor, so maybe that is a good option. Also, I need a lot more jewish studies credits, so maybe I should take another class in that realm. But then, I think on the other hand that seventeen credits is probably sufficient. If I decide not to do usingers, probably I'll choose another class, and if I decide to audition, maybe I'll forego adding another course. I don't know.

Last night we had a spirituality workshop, where we talked about radical amazement. Last year, at this time, I was keeping an environmental journal in which I was trying to find wonder in 'nature' while at UVA. The mere act of noticing and writing down multiplied the number of 'wow' moments I had in pretty unbelieveable ways. I feel like I let myself down by not letting the 'wow' attitude continue to the degree to which it existed. But maybe it was a little artificial insofar as sometimes when I seek 'wow' moments and find them they are considerably less powerful than 'wow' moments that come on their own. But I think you have to be open to the possibility of wonder in order to feel it. So I am going to try to regain that openness to the possibility of wonder. This time last year I wrote a journal entry on what a miracle and a soothing, affirming experience breathing is. This year, I am writing about my classes for next semester, Hillel, etc. I need to probe deeper, sometimes I am afraid that I am only skimming the surface of what I have the capacity to be.
It is easier to say that one is going to be a better person than it is to be one. I pledge to accomplish wonder. And to try to volunteer more. And to spend more time with friends. And to be a better granddaughter. And to be a better student. But will any of these things really happen? I hopehopehopehope so... all of these things feel absolutely necessary to my very personness and sanity for the future, and for me to be able to maintain a sense of self-worth. I think that in order for us to love ourselves (which is absolutely important) we have to be convinced that we are good people. Sometimes with me that takes a lot more convincing. For the moment (8:48 am on Thursday March 30, 2006) I'm not entirely convinced.